Confessions of a Closet Weirdo

mood: crazy

I'm really disappointed with how my degree program is going. I love what I'm studying, and although my profs are amazing scholars, it seems that a number of them lack necessary teaching skills. We spend all of our time talking about theory, and on rare occasions when there is practical work, it is not discussed at all, only graded. So not only is there no idea of what to expect, but also a definite ravine between the theory and practice that is not being addressed, which seems to me the whole point of doing it as a taught degree instead of research-based!!!!

I certainly don't want to drop out- I mean, I could transfer, but where? And how do I know it'd be any different there?

Now this is mostly unrelated, but in addition to the b/p-ing and cutting yesterday, I found myself contemplating suicide more intricately. Like figuring out what combinations of my meds I could take to do the job and not just end up with a pumped stomach in a psych ward. As I told the doctor last week, any prospect of future has disappeared, and I have always been a very future-oriented person. I don't know if it's fear of being a grown-up, even though I've always been very responsible? Because I honestly feel like I just want to do it after Christmas (want to spend the holiday with the fam that I haven't seen in 6 years) so as not to ruin the holiday for everybody... I dunno. Anyway, I'm supposed to do something nice for myself, according to the doctor, but I can't think of anything. Whatever I might have done 5 years ago or 10 years ago doesn't interest me at all, or I just can't remember what did.