Confessions of a Closet Weirdo

I'm really fed up with everything. 
Shortly after my last post I OD'd on propranolol and paracetamol. All it did was mess me up for a night. 
The boy found my cuts a few week ago, and I haven't cut since. But I have started b/p-ing regularly at his place, which I'd never done before. It sorta bothers me that he doesn't seem to notice, because I'm tired of being so fucked up. Unfortunately, I have no desire to do anything besides sleep and spend a bit of time on the internet or with the telly, when I'm not needing to b/p. 
My parents seem to think I'm on a fabulous foreign adventure, while I've finally realized that I'm just trying to run away from myself, without success. 
I want to tell my mom, but I don't think she'll get it.
Meanwhile, unlike many people with ED, I haven't gone off sex. However, the boy seems to have gone off pleasuring me. 
It's just bleak. I am somewhat afraid to go home tomorrow, being on my own in the dorm with my Chinese roommates who only spend time with each other and speak only in Mandarin outside of classes. 
And of course I'm questioning my entire course and chosen life path- thinking, on the off chance that there may be a future, I may have made the wrong decisions. 
Well, I see the shrink on Monday, will see what she says.