Confessions of a Closet Weirdo

c_era_una_volta @ 2008-03-30T17:21:00

2008-03-30T16:26:11Z

I'm pretty fed up with the boyfriend these days.
I got upset last weekend, finding myself thinking of the ex-best friend and the incident a year ago, which I told to BF... I tell him why I'm upset, and he says "the guy who tried to have sex with you?" to clarify.
TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? There have been plenty of guys who have TRIED to get in my pants without resorting to fondling and sticking things inside of me while I'm in an unconscious state. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT SEE THE DIFFERENCE? I almost bitchslapped him but i was too stunned to do anything. As usual. I hope some scary guy "tries to have sex with" him soon to see how he likes it.

Greetings from the psych ward

2008-02-25T14:23:24Z

Yeah- I'm in the pub on leave (with a nurse)- I don't know why I bothered going into A and E, cuz there's no therapy or support until I get out! Right now it's just waiting for medication changes to take place and finding what foods I can to bp on.
Thanks for your messages though.
XOXOX

c_era_una_volta @ 2008-01-04T22:01:00

2008-01-04T22:10:47Z

I'm really fed up with everything.
Shortly after my last post I OD'd on propranolol and paracetamol. All it did was mess me up for a night.
The boy found my cuts a few week ago, and I haven't cut since. But I have started b/p-ing regularly at his place, which I'd never done before. It sorta bothers me that he doesn't seem to notice, because I'm tired of being so fucked up. Unfortunately, I have no desire to do anything besides sleep and spend a bit of time on the internet or with the telly, when I'm not needing to b/p.
My parents seem to think I'm on a fabulous foreign adventure, while I've finally realized that I'm just trying to run away from myself, without success.
I want to tell my mom, but I don't think she'll get it.
Meanwhile, unlike many people with ED, I haven't gone off sex. However, the boy seems to have gone off pleasuring me.
It's just bleak. I am somewhat afraid to go home tomorrow, being on my own in the dorm with my Chinese roommates who only spend time with each other and speak only in Mandarin outside of classes.
And of course I'm questioning my entire course and chosen life path- thinking, on the off chance that there may be a future, I may have made the wrong decisions.
Well, I see the shrink on Monday, will see what she says.

Why bother?

2007-12-06T11:59:54Z

I'm really disappointed with how my degree program is going. I love what I'm studying, and although my profs are amazing scholars, it seems that a number of them lack necessary teaching skills. We spend all of our time talking about theory, and on rare occasions when there is practical work, it is not discussed at all, only graded. So not only is there no idea of what to expect, but also a definite ravine between the theory and practice that is not being addressed, which seems to me the whole point of doing it as a taught degree instead of research-based!!!!

I certainly don't want to drop out- I mean, I could transfer, but where? And how do I know it'd be any different there?

Now this is mostly unrelated, but in addition to the b/p-ing and cutting yesterday, I found myself contemplating suicide more intricately. Like figuring out what combinations of my meds I could take to do the job and not just end up with a pumped stomach in a psych ward. As I told the doctor last week, any prospect of future has disappeared, and I have always been a very future-oriented person. I don't know if it's fear of being a grown-up, even though I've always been very responsible? Because I honestly feel like I just want to do it after Christmas (want to spend the holiday with the fam that I haven't seen in 6 years) so as not to ruin the holiday for everybody... I dunno. Anyway, I'm supposed to do something nice for myself, according to the doctor, but I can't think of anything. Whatever I might have done 5 years ago or 10 years ago doesn't interest me at all, or I just can't remember what did.

My kingdom for a nap

2007-12-05T18:03:28Z

The whole not b/p-ing thing yesterday definitely didn't happen. I didn't cut though... although I did a few hours ago...
I did only spend £1 on a binge this afternoon, though! Gotta love the bakery!

I think one or two of my flatmates is getting suspicious... The dorm is divided into flats of 8 bedrooms with a communal kitchen and 3 bathrooms. My room is right next to the kitchen and far from the bathrooms (Why oh why??), so if someone is around, it seems smarter to do the deed in my room with music blaring rather than relying on the shower to cover the sound, and disposing of it later. Of course that's not an option when the boyfriend comes to visit.

I've got so much work to do and no motivation to do it... the only good news is that I actually went to the library today.

Welcome, benvenuti, vilkommen, bienvenue, bienvenidos

2007-12-04T20:16:28Z

For some reason, my netscape browser doesn't want me to use LJ, because any time I try to post an entry, the entire browser closes. So I'm stuck with IE. Yuck.

About me: grad student (postgrad student, depending where in the world you are) in England, linguist, depressed self-mutilating bulimic, lover of British comedy, loner, and generally odd person. Some people call me artsy, but when I think of the word artsy, I certainly don't picture myself. I'm impulsive, I prefer to hang out alone or with one or two people and not a large group. I am shy except in the classroom. I despise rudeness.

Since I'm sure no one will read this, I'll just consider it my therapy. It's a lot cheaper than a private shrink!

I'm trying desperately to NOT binge/purge today. It's been 8 years of struggle with bulimorexia (sp?), binge eating, and straight up bulimia, but it's been really tough lately. Since I'm still needing to make it through the day with some energy, I'm trying to eat healthy foods otherwise. (Like a delicious homemade veggie soup right now.) I'm thinking it's time to come out of the closet, but I'm afraid. I told a doctor last week and she sent me for bloodwork this morning and I see a semi-specialist on Friday. And the boyfriend is coming this weekend, so it could be interesting.

Hmmm...