Confessions of a Closet Weirdo

one last final! -shouldn't be too hard. it's the class w/ all the metabolic calculations and whatnot. that i'm officially obsessed with.


and then...
ugh. i'm going home today.
i REALLY don't want to.
not to mention i have to waste a tank of gas by making an extra trip because my stupid subaru is too small to fit all of my shit in one trip. that's an extra 6 hours of driving. 

oh, and to make this bulimia related, today at mcdonalds they're giving out free chicken sandwiches when you buy a medium or large drink.
woohoo!
i also have a coupon for a free king size candy bar at the gas station.
i'll be eating the whole way home today.
hopefully i get home before my mom does so i can purge this shit.

I am posting quick, since I don't know when i'll be able to again
just saying hi
The play was great, i was fabulous! jaja

And yesterday at work, a customen who goes regularly told one of the waiters that I used to be heavier but am now too skinny....
I am so sick of that comment...
I am freaking at my weight level for my height and age........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so....have a good day all....

My day yesterday was going OK in the morning... had a green tea, and apple and a plum.

Around 4pm my mind went crazy and i binged on cheetoes... disgusting... i purged what I could while taking a shower (bingeing on cheetos its not fun)... then went to the gym and when I got home there was a bit of lasagna for dinner... I ate... I wanted more (I wanted a lot) but I said NO!!!! and went to watch some TV.... :)

My weight hasn't changed

hey, i know ive asked this before but did anyone used to be in the almost_perfect community? 

i did and was wondering where its gone? i went off lj for a while...but missed it toooo much! 

thanks everyonexxx

ive been having chest pains ... usualy it doesnt last long, but ive had pains for the last few hours
and my heart rates always quite high
i get shortness of breath whilst exercising
do you think its anything to worry about
or s it just from purging .. 
but i havnt purged in 2 days
does anyone else get this ..

i thought it mightv been from smoking as well ..but i duno

I decided to cheat in my treatment... Seeing as though I won't be going in to see my ed psych for two weeks, I thought I would just play up a little and make up few days worth of food logs and just have some fun (read stuff myself full and them vomit up all the shitty shit I am feeling etc). So now I have eaten...I know the world will not end if I don't purge it but dammit. I'm not normally like this, I swear recovery is fucking with my head, I just wanna get fucked up wasted and shit.... ughhhhhhh. 

So I'm begging, please reassure me I will not magically balloon to twice my size because my logic is not strong enough right now, or just tease me or make random comments or whatever, tell me I'm being melodramatic and to grow the fuck up... Man, I should get this shit by now.

Other than that treatment type shit has been going well. I might write about it later for those of you interested in an entirely different approach to typical IP/OP/IOP programs... it's less full on (but full on enough) and has a really really good success rate...

Take care. X.

I got to be happy for a few hours about being done with all my finals. Then I come back to an e-mail from my english professor.

( I'm so fucking scared... )

The final paper is what decides whether or not I pass. This woman is heartless. I've even told her about some of my situation (certainly not all) and she just told me to do it right the next time.

It's almost 4 am but there is NO way I am going to be able to sleep.
I do not have any room for any more damned stress! I'm bulimic, I'm an insomniac, my boyfriend is in jail, I just got done with finals week and there's family shit going on, what more do you want from me? In between crying and hating myself, she should be surprised I even turned anything in.

Hello, purgatorium community. New member.

 

I’ve been binging and purging for about two years now and have gained quite a few stubborn pounds. And I don’t know how to explain this, but I am in some serious denial about the weight gain. I should start wearing a size medium now, but I just can’t bring myself to buy anything in that size. I keep buying shirts in size small, telling myself that I’ll lose the weight; I’ll still look good in these clothes. But I don’t! A small is too tight for me now.  So now I have a closet full of clothes that I never wear.  Does anyone else do this or is it just I being a freak? It’s just hard to accept the fact that I’ve gained weight and am no longer the skinny girl I used to be.

anyway ladies,
I was talking to you about my horrible binge yesterday. well it was before 12pm. after the binge i slept all the way till 8pm, had an apple. and didnt eat my dinner. guess what? I lost 1.7 pounds

brilliant. it's probably water weight? i dunno.
just wondering if you girls were more concerned about numbers dropping on the scale or inches lost? because at times i can lose weight and my measurements stay the same, at times I don't lose weight, but I've lost inches.
i suppose I'm the in-between sort of person. I use inches lost to comfort myself when I don't lose any weight. but I use the numbers on the scale to comfort myself when I havent seen any difference in my body size. HAHA. this is crazzzy

P.S.  I just got hired as a cashier for a roadshow at the airport! and the pay's pretty good, though it's only for 10 days. yippie-doodle-doo.. I'll worry about searching for another job after these 10 days=)

ugh, last night i ate (dry! wtf) an entire box of cinnamon granola cereal. needless to say, it feels like something fucking exploded in my neck, it's really painful to eat/swallow/purge, and yet, i still do- clearly proving that i am dumb, dumb, dumb.

my classes are over but i still have 2 10 page papers to write and a final exam. could this shit just end, i seriously fucking hate, hate, hate school. it can go rot. wow, this is turning into a really, stupid, angry post, i should go to bed. the hills is incredibly stupid.

someone wrote today about being a "functioning bulimic" lately, i don't even feel like that. all i want to do is eat and throw-up all the damn time, every second of every day, except for when i'm drinking. i don't even remember the last day i did not purge, it's definitely been months. i just don't even try. tomorrow i will try. i really, really will. i just want to prove to myself that i can do it for one day.

So I went to see a nutritionist recently, and I can't get the appointment out of my head. Near the end of the session (after I had discussed binging, trigger foods, and purging), she told me that she had "been anorexic in the past", but that she "never binged and purged." She then continued on to say that "wouldn't have allowed herself to binge and purge", and followed that statement with a short laugh/snort that made me cringe. The grand finale was the statement that none of the doctors she works with know of her past because "if they did, they wouldn't send [her] any patients."

I was beyond shocked at this point, and although there were a million things I wanted to say to her, I just kind of stared. It would have been bad enough if she had told me about her past anorexia and left it at that ... but to then make that statement about binging and purging ... I felt like a disgusting bitch ...someone doesn't have any control over herself. A complete failure. I wanted so badly to run out of there.

I had an appointment with my family doctor (who had referred me to this nutritionist) the next day, but I felt too guilty to mention anything ... how could I tell him this secret??? So I lied and said everything had gone well. During my appointment with my psych though, I cracked and told her everything. How disgusting I felt ... how I could never trust her because I would always feel judged ... how I was angry that she would put the burden of this "secret" on me. My psych completely agreed that she had crossed the line, and said that she would try to find a different nutritionist. She also encouraged me to tell my family doctor about what happened. Even with her validation, I still feel horrible. I feel like I somehow did something wrong ... like I'm a bad person ... like I deserve to feel ashamed of myself ...

Has anyone ever been treated by a health professional with an eating disorder? How did you feel about it? If someone who treated you had had an eating disorder in the past, would you want to know? How would you have felt in my situation? Do you think it's wrong if I tell my family doctor everything that happened? I'm so confused. =(

I joined a while ago, but got into the habit of reading rather than actually posting. Perhaps I enjoyed appreciating from afar. Or perhaps I was waiting for the opportune moment.  Anyhow, as I'm new I don't know how "okay" it is for me to say this, but, in my defence it's 4:50am here in England and I can't sleep so I blame that. 

May I just say a big thank you to some of the laugh out loud posts on here this evening. You've made my sleep-less night. 
Everybody's different I guess, and I'm not trying to say that I'm any worse or better off than anyone, and yes i've done the stats thing in another forum before i stumbled across this refreshing delight...but jesus people, sense the tone!Do you not read previous posts? On second thoughts, I'm glad you haven't because you've kept me amused all evening. 

If you are offended then don't be because I'm just a nobody in the grand scheme of things whose opinions don't really mean anything. And if I seem a bit too big for my boots, being a newbie and all, I'm sorry- I just couldn't resist. The whole thing is hilarious.  

anyway, i'm off to research how long i should wait before I purge the grape I just ate.
laters -x-

 http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=29990
Warning, richard simmons...

"buy my books, buy my tapes, keep my bank account in shape"

omg sitting here looking through stuff on computer and cant stop eating, started wif my coffee that fine then thought id have some m&ms that we got in a 1L container which was just under half full so ate them, then had this sweetpotatoe rosti thing yum now back to the m&m's just bout finihsed them and all i can think of is purging , y do i do this to myself i lose all self control and just end up crying all day. neways i off to purge starting to actually feel sick from the chocolat so hopefully wil b easy!
xoxo

i have never felt so shitty in my whole life

I've been home from college for exactly ONE DAY and I'm already at my wit's end. The moment I stepped in the door my mother began criticizing me, yelling at me, and getting on me for every little thing. Opening the refrigerator. Touching 'her' food. Not putting away every single item taken out of my dorm room in a neat way within 10 minutes. Fuck.

( Read more... )

Ok, does anyone elses face breakout with zits after a b/p??
 
So i bought some acne cream to put on my face yesterday...AHHH!!! That Shi* stung like hell, i should have just splashed batter acid on my freggin face.. it brought tears to my eyes.. 
I guess it probally wasn't a good idea to use it after shaving..

Well, i guess it was worth is because there isn't any zits on my face today... i don't think there is any skin left on my face either after that acid.. ehh..

Ok so I've gone from being shocked to really angry to just feeling like shit, sad and ready to put my pitiful head down on the desk and cry like a little bitch. This shit has got to stop.
Somebody amuse me goddamnit. Tell me a joke. Make fun of someone.
Hell, make fun of ME.
Seriously, in the comments, do your best frieda-post parody or impression.
I dare you. I take myself WAY too seriously and its pathetic.
Or feel free to make fun of anyone.
You guys regularly make me cackle out loud so i KNOW you're up for it.......

Hey guys..

Anyone know what happened to ohyesitsroxy

  so. i went back to weight watchers today. i weigh one hundred and fifty four pounds. i can't even type that numerically ... it's disgusting. i've purged every day this week. but of course that means i've binged on probably twice as much as i've gotten rid of.
it's so weird.
i'm going to school with a double major in psychology and nutrition. i want to be an eating disorders therapist. i've been obsessed with eating disorders for as long as i can remember ... always reading books and watching movies and writing stories about girls with eds. i've been calling myself fat since i was 8. now i actually am fat. like statistically, textbook fat. but at the same time i'm kind of proud of myself. 
i can finally throw up.
is it crazy that i'm proud to finally have an eating disorder? i can't explain it. actually, i wish it wasn't mia. i wish i had enough control to be ana. i hate binging. i hate being out of control. sometimes i think of telling my parents about it just so i can figure out how to stop binging. i've gained so much weight. i need to be 125 by the end of summer. need to. i need to be 140ish by the end of june.
that's when andrew comes home.
i need to look better than that stupid slut he's been fucking in washington.
ha - like that could ever happen.

today i binged on 3 iced oatmeal cookies, one el fudge double filled cookie, and a piece of wheat bread with peanut butter. sure, that's not even that bad considering i can eat about 3000 calories in a normal binge. but it felt like so much. and when i threw up, all i really saw was the salad from lunch 3 hours before. i know sugary stuff breaks down, but did i get it out? was my purge worthless? i don't know.

i wish i didn't have to do this, but at the same time, i love it.